Licking windows....and the deep end of the pool.

I am in treatment, yet to be assessed for long term meds to any one product, and trying to stay away from the dangerous temporary ones. My depression has been professionally assessed and it has been highly recommended to me that I do not drive at this level of depression/anxiety as it has the potential for liability. -Doctors orders.

I have extreme anxiety, memory loss, confusion, the inability to concentrate, panic attacks. I suffer from debilitating post traumatic stress, insomnia with non-working meds, severe night sweats, nightmares and a pretty intense case of irritable bowel syndrome, that is triggered by stress. Medical complications add to the pile when it comes to "that time of the month" not to mention hormonal imbalances from testing anti depressants. 

I recently attempted to go on vacation with friends. All I wanted was to be able to sit at the back of the bus, mind my own wacky business and "lick the windows" and enjoy the ride - but apparently my invisible chronic disease was too stealth and was NOT appreciated. I landed not a tiny bit of compassion, for not being able to keep up, and suffered a rather raging hostility, "Mean Girls" style.

-I wasn't even that high school when I was IN high school!!!

It would seem that I've lost friendships because of it, and so goes the downward spiral of social rejection, hence a wicked case of inferiority complexes and lets not forget, self doubt. Which of course, leads to more and deeper depression. Do I really need to be sent to the deep end of the pool and made to tread water for god knows how long? REALLY?

My grandmother, the English tea drinker, was agoraphobic for over thirty years - she never even attended my mothers wedding. Is that my fate?

Its just not me. -I'd rather be out riding in the back of the little bus with understanding and compassionate crazy friends who let me lick the windows with my "Charified"sparkly ears on, accepting me as I am.

Pull me out of the deep end BITCHEZZ!!!

- Ya' just know I'd do it for you in a heart beat. And in one particular case, I already have.


I've painfully learned the difference between good friends and just acquaintances and the impact it has on your well being.


A good friend, - from high school - posted this, and it put it all into perspective for me:  

"We choose our destiny by the way we treat others..." :Heather Davis