Nancy's Couch

Tomorrow is the first day of the Calgary Folk Music festival. Nancy Bell, an avid live music fan, was a volunteer for many years at the fest. She will be missed by many.

Nancy was the kind of person who would literally give you the shirt off her back. She was generous. So generous in fact that it gave her great pleasure to make sure that if you liked something that was in her possession, she made sure you had one too. She would on occasion, join us girls for our weekly "It's Wing Night Bitchez" gaggle, and bring along things she was no longer in need of. One night she had a slew of purses and hand bags and "statement T-shirts" and handed them out to the girls. We all have one that represents our personality in some way or another. On another occasion, when she was visiting, she had a hand woven basket filled with yummy goodies. I had mentioned how beautiful her basket was and she insisted I have it. I cherish it, using it as a carry all for my acrylics, brushes and art supplies.

The utter shock of her suicide has had an impact on our little gaggle of girlz, each of us suffering in our own distinct ways. Each of us at our own different retched levels of grief and turmoil. I often worry if it will bring us closer together or if the pain will shift us apart. Each of us wailing inside but keeping busy to avoid the breach of containment.

My personal journey with the experience has taught me many things. How to be more generous, thoughtful. How to cherish every moment as if it were my last. Not to be judgmental and too quick to offer my opinion. My last exchange with Nancy shortly before she died was regretful. I feel now that I was too opinionated, telling her that I felt she was heading into a downward spiral, to get much needed help. I now suffer from survivors guilt. Being that I've had my own experience with seeking medical attention for my own mental health issues - I survived and she never had a chance.

Since her passing I have been in contact with Nancy's cousin. She had seen a photo I posted on facebook of a water color drawing Nancy did while we were together at "The Chateau Grand". She mentioned that they were having an open house to invite Nancy's friends to retrieve mementos they wished to have to remember her by. Being that Nancy was a very giving person I knew how much it would have meant to her to have her cherished keepsakes distributed amongst her friends.

Since Nancy was an avid music fan, and my husband has an extensive background with the Mississippi Blues, I thought it fitting to have Nancy's groovy antique couch in our music room. She would have loved the idea. The couch is very cozy and comfortable, a great place to sit, relax and reflect while indulging in music therapy for the soul.

I will think of her tomorrow, while crowds gather for the music festival. I will lounge on her groovy cozy couch and indulge in some much needed music therapy in her memory. She would have liked that. My biggest regret is that her illness robbed her of her favorite things.