Four am Saturday, April 21st, awake - wide awake, the mind is racing. Not unusual but thankfully less frequent. The antidepressants have been working like a gem, the side effects are almost manageable. The anti anxiety meds are helping but I'm becoming dependent.
I've got energy, spring has finally arrived and I'm out on my bike and have started yoga on my own aside from the weekly classes. The art classes are helping and are very enjoyable, but unfortunately coming to an end because my instructor is retiring. I've started to feel inspired that my art is blossoming, especially the Tins. I'm getting very positive feedback and enjoy the originality of the concept and thinking I can make something out of it.
I'm struggling with the thought that I may not be able to make my dream of selling my new "Hand Painted Tin with Acrylics" concept in the future because of production problems. My supplier keeps dropping the ball. The tins have an aluminum box glued to the rear to hang the flat tin and make it stand out from the wall. During production the rear frame seems to be mounted too forcefully and dents the tin, so much so that it leaves and impression on the front of the tin and image. I've had to return several.
The first painted tin was barely noticeable so I let it go and painted it anyway because I was on a deadline for a showing at a corporate open house. While the tin was at the corporate showing, the glue released from the rear frame and the tin came crashing to the floor, permanently damaging the tin. I had invested four hours of detailed labor and and approx $30. of acrylic, now destroyed. Not to mention that the host of the open house was completely unprofessional and humiliated me in front of her guests because the tin damaged her brand new floor boards. (Real impressed with her compassion & professionalism)!
I took the product back to the supplier and they replaced the tin, yet another replacement and loss as they simply took it as a sample to show the lab who produces it. All that detailed painting mica flakes one tiny little crystal at a time on every little tip of every tree branch - GONE.
I had faith, they said they'd replace it and make sure it would not happen again. My reorder arrives - all 5 replacements, and only one is ok, the rest have to be returned for dents.
As I lay awake last night in the very wee hours of dawn, I hear a hard crash and thump. Terrified that someone was trying to get into the house, I had to lay there and calm my panic attack before even thinking of what I would do next. I'm home alone, it is now very still and I can hear the birds starting to sing and my heart is no longer thumping. I muster up the courage to investigate and head downstairs.
I discover my favorite tin painting, a 20x30 of "Trails End Road, Algoma" laying on the floor. The photo itself is sentimental because it was one of the places I would have loved to have spread my mothers ashes when I was on my drive back from Montreal from her disinterment. The one painting that took all of 22 hours of very intensive detailed painting and almost $60 in special textured acrylics and would have sold for $650.00. It has a big dented/twisted corner and another small dent on another.
The back mount had come unglued and so did I. Unrepairable, will have to be a redo. Its just not worth the reinvestment if I can not guarantee the product to MY clients. Now what?
I've invested soo much into this new venture, I was really counting on it being my comeback from being unable to work and my saving grace financially. I've just put a deposit on a camera because mine is terribly outdated and is not longer considered a professional level camera. My sole purpose of investing in a camera (with a total cost of 6 grand) is to produce images that are capable of incredible detail when enlarged, with the intention that it will pimp the quality of my tins to a higher level of craftsmanship.
I'm having buyers remorse. My inspiration now pains me -do I keep trying to trust the supplier and continue this roller coaster ride, or shit-can the whole thing and cancel the camera order, at a loss. I'm heart broken. I'm very angry. I hate confrontation. I lack confidence on how to handle my supplier. My anxiety is incredible. I've tried everything to ease the feeling of loss. No amount of cycling or yoga or anti anxiety meds will ease the frustration.
I'm worried that I've tried to push myself too early before I was ready to go back to work. It has already been a year since my admittance to the cookoo's nest. WTF??
Well, tomorrow is another day. I will have to confront the supplier, and just take it one step at a time.
Fingers crossed that we can come to some sort of resolution. I love painting my tins, it keeps me healthy. - I think!!??
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