Going to see The Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of OZ!!!

-My life has been a bit of a tornado of late!!

I've been on a very official, referral waiting list to see "The Grand Poobaw" aka "The Wizard of OZ" of psychiatry- for a psychiatric assessment. ie: "Access Mental Health" at The Rockyview Hospital, paid for by Alberta Heath Services.

The last meltdown I had, was just down the hall from "The Grand Poobaw" office, with my gynecologist. I waited two months for her to get back to me with results from a blood test. I never did hear back, I was the one that had to hound her office for an appointment on several occasions. They returned my call four days later and left a authoritative command as to when I was going to show up and hung up.

When I arrived I was seated in the examining room. I waited twenty mins before she entered the room, she was frustrated and impatient. "What can I do for you"? she says, in a hustle and bustle tone -I'm here for my test results - She opens my file, upon seeing the date of her reacquisition, she's then even more agitated with me and asks me in a tone that sounded very much like "well what the hell are you doing here for results of a blood test that was taken nearly two months ago" -Like it's all my fault for being a slacker wasting HER time.

She simply says the results are "normal", slams the file shut, and says "so is there anything else I can do for you"? Like she's got more important things to attend to. Being in shock, I sat there with my jaw open and couldn't even think.

Then the rage hit. I was already filled to the limit with anxiety before the appointment because it was supposed to be a pivotal moment in discovering just what the hell is wrong with me.  The last appointment I had with this woman, the conversation was in depth and there was a plan that involved my tracking details of my pre-menstrual/menstrual cycle and diet. And then the blood work would cover any questions we may have and we were going to go from there. As she said "Get to the bottom of it".

The blood test -(8 viles worth)  was to cover SEVERAL important tests to see if any one thing like menopause, or several different things like thyroid, hypertension, vitamin deficiencies as D, B12, were contributing to my irregular and excessive bleeding/clotting and severe pms symptoms, and hormonal irregularities.

So- just what the fuck does a "normal" supposed to mean? Does she remember even seeing me or having any recollection of our plan and even the details of the blood work?. I lost it. I asked her specifics and she seemed like I was being a pain in the ass for asking her to reopen the file in her hands, because after all -she's already told me the results are "normal". It went back and forth and we got more pissed at each other and she just flippantly informs me that my digital file is available on any Alberta doctors network so go talk to your family doctor about it -and storms out. Leaving me sitting there in tears dumbfounded and shell shocked - what the hell just happened??

This whole experience sent me into a tail spin. It could not have happened at a worst time.

My depression at that time was at an all time high, the anxiety was thru the roof. I've just come thru an extremely difficult time with the affects of being bullied by people who I thought were friends at my weakest moment while we were away together -on vacation- and then was confronted with cyber bulling and social bullying when I arrived home. Then the extremely difficult task of repairing what friendships I had left has catapulted me into a wicked case of social anxiety.

I've been tossed back and forth from three doctors in the psychiatric field and finally put on a five week waiting list to see someone who "will have a more dedicated schedule". FYI -The percentage of bullying related depression/suicide alone is climbing at an alarming rate!!

So when I was leaving that hellish appointment with the gyne from hell, aka- The Wicked Witch, I had to walk right passed the psychiatric out patient clinic on the way to parkade. I was still in tears and truly at my whits end. I paused by the door opening and thought - if I pivot to the right and walk into "The Grand Poobaw's" office, I could just declare my self as "admit-able" and get this whole confusing hellish mess taken care of - on the spot. But the horror of being admitted to a psych ward is my biggest fear and has been since I was young, and is very much alive in my mind today. It is my "burning in hell".

Well...I got "The Call" at 1:30 today. "The Grand Poobaw/"The OZ" wants to see me, in that very same office I passed by on the 11th of April after leaving the "Gyne from hell" appointment. He wants to see me tomorrow morning at ten am - thanks for the notice!!! I agreed to go. I hung up the phone and had a "most enjoyable" panic attack. Ruined my somewhat functional afternoon and had to resort to the dreaded Adivan for escape from the visions of the "Poobaw" wanting to keep me for more than enough "sleepovers" in tight white "pajamas" with too many "inconvenient buckles"!!

A few emotional hours later, the phone rings. "The Wizard of OZ" apologizes for any inconvenience, but will have to re-schedule your appointment for a later date".

I wonder if the Wizard will actually grant me a new found courage/strength/voice like the straw man/the tin man and the lion!!

-Or, if I'll just be left standing around in my ruby reds waiting for someone to get their shit together - AGAIN!!!

There's no place like home - there's no place like home!